Honesty

The learning process continues.....

Getting started on this blog has turned out to be a bigger challenge than I first anticipated. I realized, that if I ask you to join me on this journey, I need to be totally honest. That poses two problems.

Firstly, I want to make sure that being honest with myself and sharing what I am learning doesn't hurt anyone else in the process; especially close family and friends. Secondly, I hope that some of the people I am able to inspire with this blog are young women. Writing for a mixed audience makes a difference in how much detail I am willing to share.

I've always considered myself a basically honest person. Growing up, if I happened to tell a fib, my facial expressions always gave me away. I learned at a young age that there was just no point to lying. I just wasn't very good at it. Rather than overtly lie though, I decided that some things were just best left unsaid and I would avoid someone for months rather than tell them a disappointing truth.

A friend often reminds me of a funny story. When we were in grade nine together, I borrowed her French notebook, only to misplace it about two hours later. I avoided that friend for weeks rather than admit how irresponsible I had been. I was terrified of telling her. Exams were just around the corner. When I finally did face the music, weeks later, she admitted to me that someone had actually returned the book to her on the same day I'd borrowed it. It had been found in the school cafeteria. She had been enjoying my squirming and thought it was hilarious. She got years worth of mileage out of that joke. I think I bought her french fries with gravy everyday, for most of second term, in my effort to apologize.

I guess I should have learned my lesson then. I didn't though. I've continued to avoid people rather than hurt them, or tell them the truth. Sometimes rather than have them see the true me. After all, what would they think of me?

Perhaps one of the greatest lessons that I've learned over the past year is the effect that those type of self esteem issues have on others. (I'll tell you some recent stories about that tomorrow).
I've always been an introvert really. Many friends reading this might be surprised by that. I can be totally silly and the life of a party in the right setting. I love to act and do public speaking. Sometimes I may not appear very introverted, but admittedly that's just learned social behaviour.

People who are really close to me know how big a geek I can be. One of my close friends would often suggest during our University years, that I was "a little aloof". I'm always a little guarded about letting people get too close. Until recently, I never wanted different groups of my friends to even get together, because I knew that each saw different sides of me. Let alone the side that my family knows. For years, I wasn't sure how to balance these different persona and I found myself asking if anyone really knew me at all. Where's the honesty in that?

I guess that's mostly what this blog is all about. Being honest and finding that right balance. Yes, we all have some secrets. I have a few skeletons that very very few people know. We won't go there. Some skeletons are fine in the closet.

I've come a long way over the years though and I don't think anyone would describe me as aloof anymore. Hopefully this blog will help me come even closer to feeling that I am totally honest and real. It's important to me to live my life with honesty and integrity. To have a strong character. It's important to me that the people I love know me too.

Having said that, I also know the dangers of being too honest. Ouch. I think I've only truly been "in love" twice in my life. Again a story for another day, but another valuable lesson I've learned this year was from the realization that both of these relationships ended because, among other things, I may have been too honest.

Let's make a pact. Since honesty is so important to me as I write this blog, I need to ask for your honesty too. I want to be honest with you and with myself. So, if you read something that hits a little too close to home or causes any pain, please let me know. Let's be honest together.

"We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing that we fear grows stronger." ~Tad Williams

Who am I?

"Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You'll find me"

Somewhere In The Middle.....Casting Crowns

Who am I?

It sounds like that should be an easy question. Right?

Well, for me 2008 has been a year of change. It’s been a year of growth and a year of learning; some healing, some bonding and even some pain. I've had a remarkable year! Not necessarily a remarkably good year, or a remarkably bad year really, but a year where I've learned so much about myself and about those I love.

The type of insight that only comes from family illness, high school reunions and lost (or barely hanging on by a string) love and friendship; highs created in anticipation of fabulous plans for the future, and lows, as I realize just how much I still struggle with things from my past. Yes, this year I've had way too many "AHA" moments.

So who am I?

I’m not entirely sure that I know the answer to that one yet….but one thing that I can tell you, for me, it has become increasingly important that I find out!

And so the journey begins………

There is soooo much that I want to share; but all in due time.

I guess the first thing that you should know about me is that I am a 43 years old. I’m a single and heterosexual (can I say that one again? Just to make sure you get it. Yes, very heterosexual) woman. No spouse and no children, and no overwhelming desire to be “in a relationship”. Apparently, this in itself makes me quite unique.

I am happy!

.......But I'm also somewhere in the middle! "Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more. Somewhere in the middle… You'll find me."